The tree is up, hung with
lights and garlands, decorated with memories of children, memories of
parents, brothers, and sisters, memories of a child whose excitement
was so pure and alive with love and life, whose belief in goodwill
was unshakeable, whose belief in wonder and joy was instinctual,
whose belief in love was unconditional. In those days, when my years
were a single digit, I would overflow with anticipation during the
days before the winter solstice celebration I knew as Christmas. It
was this time of year that the calendar seemed to stand still, the
ten days before Christmas becoming unimaginably slow in coming, the
day itself becoming so distant that my mother posted a large piece of
paper casually scrawled with a number, filling the whole page,
announcing the number of days before Christmas. She taped it to the
cabinets above the kitchen pass-through where she hoped I would see
it and not ask how many days until Christmas, where she pointed
throughout the day when I posed the question, where I would tilt my
head and lift my eyes every morning, hoping that somehow, because
Santa was magic, that the sequence would unexpectedly jump from 10 to
1, from 9 to 1, from 8 to 1.
But it wasn't as if I sat
idly, without anything to do. Every day brought another tradition,
traditions that had been repeated since the beginning of time,
traditions that, if not followed, if not duplicated in exact detail,
brought hoots of heartfelt displeasure and chastisement. How regular
and ordered my childhood was around this most potentially chaotic
holiday. I was taught to celebrate Christmas as the season of giving,
which I only understood as the season of getting. But my father
enforced a strict rule of don't ask, don't tell, and should I even
accidentally mention what I wanted for Christmas, the rule was that I
not get it. Presents were meant to be unmentionable opportunities for
others to surprise me with their thoughtfulness, love, and care for
me. The lesson was hard, though I learned it with only one painful
failure, the Christmas my younger brother got the walkie-talkie set I
had so wanted. The one time I had whispered what I wanted to my
mother in a moment of desire, a moment when I was blinded
by my perceived need and the excitement of getting.
And everyone was expected
to give everyone else a present, even if it took an 8-year-old all
year, and there was still only 30 cents saved to be divided between
two parents and three siblings. What thoughtful gift could I possibly
buy for 5 cents? But my father never set a rule that he didn't
enforce, and never let an obstacle keep anyone from discovering
options and opportunities. He sat down with me to make a list family
members and their presents, a list that ended up including various
kinds of penny-candy, each piece thoughtfully chosen because of my
knowledge of my brothers and sister. He was careful to excuse himself
when it came time for me to choose what to get him. He reminded me
that he wouldn't tell me what he wanted and he didn't want me to tell
him what I wanted to get him. He reminded me that one doesn't get
what one asks for, teaching me by his own example that rule of law
applied even to kings.
And I went with my mother
to the A&P grocery store, where she filled our shopping cart to
overflowing with food for our family and visitors, our special
holiday meal, and the days before and after when shopping was not
possible. I carefully read my list of names paired with my thoughtful
choices of candy, and reminded my mother that I needed to pick them
out by myself, lest she see what I was getting, thereby breaking the
rule of don't tell. And once I was alone I checked off my list, candy
by candy, rechecking to make sure, because so many pieces of candy
for so many people was a complicated task for a child distracted by
his own imagining of what he might have bought for himself if it had
been 30 cents he could have spent without thinking of others. It was
then, at that very instant, when I was thinking what I would buy for
myself, that I had the idea, the radical idea, an idea so dangerous
that I looked over my shoulder to make sure my mother had not seen me
think of it. I put the candy back, all the thoughtfully chosen candy,
piece by piece, each into its own bin, until my bag was once again
empty. Looking around one last time to make sure the coast was clear,
I knew it was now or never, and I reached into the bin of bubble gum,
nervously counting out 30 pieces, afraid my mother might appear and
see what I was doing, her eyes growing round with amazement then
narrowing, followed by a slap on the back of my hand. I counted them
three times, 30 pieces of bubble gum, a candy not allowed in the
house, not allowed in our hands, and forbidden from our mouths. And I
closed that brown paper bag, rolling and crimping the top to lock its
contents from prying eyes.
When I rejoined my mother
I smiled, keeping the bag behind me, lest she infer its contents from
the poking edges of the captured bubble gums, pressing their
signatures from inside, as if prisoners crying out to be released,
their message writ in recognizable patterns of crinkled brown bag,
visible to those on the outside. And she did try to look, especially
when I made it clear that I was hiding the bag from her. Determined
to keep the secret, I shifted to keep my body between her and my
quarry, as she cocked her head and leaned from one side to the other.
“No peeking!” I invoked, and she stood upright, taken aback, then
smiled, telling me I was right, turning her attention to the line of
full shopping carts ahead of her. And as we approached, the closer we
got, I realized that to get past the checker, I would have to expose
my contents, lay them out, 30 pieces of bubble gum spread and counted
for all to see. My secret Christmas gift plan would be, dare I say
it, out of the bag.
I thought about hiding the
bag, keeping it low, carrying it out of the store, stealing the candy
without paying for it. It wouldn't be the first time I had succumbed
to such a temptation, a single piece of candy, a pack of gum, my
biggest heist being a roll of Life Savers. But I was holding a
massive quantity of candy, 30 pieces of bubble gum, too much to stuff
in my pockets. I was at a loss, no ideas forthcoming, frozen in line,
caught between my mother in front and the mothers behind. I could do
nothing but watch. Each item in the shopping cart was put up on the
counter by my mother, carefully inspected and recorded by the
checker, and passed on to the bagger. When the last item was lifted
from the cart my mother turned and looked down at me. My face must
have shown my dread because it immediately brought a look of concern.
A question formed, then disappeared as she nodded and smiled. “My
son has a Christmas present he wants to buy without me seeing.” The
checker looked over the counter at me, smiled, nodded her approval. I
waited in wonder as the world unfolded right before my eyes. My
mother passed the cart to the bagger, who filled it with our
groceries. The checker told my mother the total, which was under $10
in those days. My mother opened her purse, pulled out her wallet,
paid the checker, counted and stored her change in the little side
pocket, returned her wallet to her purse, walked to the re-loaded
cart, and guided it towards the automatic sliding-glass door.
I was suddenly aware of
the open path before me, and reminded of the patiently waiting
mothers behind me. The checker peered over, trying to see what I was
carrying, which prompted me to put the bag up on the counter. I
looked towards the door. My mother had stopped and was waiting for
me, her back carefully turned to the business at hand. Everything
went beautifully: the bubble gum made its appearance for a short
time, then was returned to its hiding place. I searched the line of
waiting mothers for potential informants, but was met with only
reassuring smiles and nods. I dug into my pocket and fished out the
30 cents, putting it up on the counter, never doubting or mistrusting
the checker with my year's worth of savings. She confirmed, in a
whisper, that the total was 30 cents, counted out the change, nodded,
tapped in the payment. The cash register rang as the money drawer
popped open. She dropped the appropriate coins in the appropriate
places, closed the drawer with a click, tore off the receipt, and
bent over to hand it to me. “Merry Christmas,” she said with a
smile.
I took the bag home, kept
it hidden from all prying eyes, until I could sequester myself in my
room with a roll of wrapping paper, Scotch tape, scissors, and the
want ads section of yesterday's newspaper. The unwritten tradition,
passed through the ages, was to wrap presents with the intention of
fooling the recipient. With a sense of pride I took a sheet of
newspaper, balled it around 5 pieces of bubble gum, and wrapped the
crumpled ball with Santa-red with green hollies Christmas paper. I
struggled with the round shapes, using a bit more tape than Santa
would, but securely enclosing and disguising the contents. I labeled
each with a small square of wrapping paper, folded over a name
carefully written in pencil. I hid the balls under my bed, preventing
any peremptory prying or poking.
And when the countdown
finally reached “1”, I moved my presents from my room to under
the Christmas tree. The next morning I watched with excitement, as my
younger brother unraveled the first ball. The five pieces of bubble
gum tumbled to the floor, followed by a scream of “BUBBLE GUM!”
The announcement brought my mother, and her careful inspection of the
gift, looking at me as if to decide if my intentions were good or
bad, finally smiling, deciding in favor of letting stand one rule
over another, and returning the bubble gum to its rightful owner.
My father was not so
pleased and glared at me as if I had lied to him. But my mother saw
it, too, and went to his side, whispered calming words that tempered
the creases in his forehead and softened his regard, though never
becoming a smile. It was my sister who next cried out, “Bubble
gum!” But her cry was more one of horror than happiness, she being
the oldest, the one who was so often told to take care of me and my
brothers, the one who always had to be right, was afraid of not being
right and doing the wrong thing. She, better than any of us boys, was
fluent in the letter of the law. She ran to our mother, her preferred
referee, complaining of an obvious foul, looking to get a penalty
issued. Instead she was rebuffed with the the illogic of
contradiction and the messy meting out of justice. A quick glance to
our father showed his agreement with the decision. Unable to find
resolution in their opinion, she waited for her chance, and at the
first distraction took it upon herself to quarantine the easily
identified unopened balls. Her mistake was to try to confiscate the
illegal bubble gum from my brother, whose cries of foul were taken
more seriously, and my sister was quickly pulled aside and instructed
to repatriate all presents, even if they were bubble gum.
Later that morning, after
all the presents were opened and the floor was awash in shredded
strips of red and green, after the required rounds of thank-yous and
your-welcomes, when quiet reigned as each played with his new-found
favorite toy, my father came over, looked down at me with his hands
at his hips, deciding what to do with me. He asked in a gentle voice
that immediately warned of a trap, “I thought you were going to buy
hard candies?”, the implication of which was clear: that I had
bought unlawful bubble gum, sneaked it into the house under false
pretenses, and distributed it amongst all present. I looked up at the
towering figure, the giant that was my father, rule enforcer and king
of the house, and said, “It wasn't a surprise, you know, if you
knew.” His face softened and I imagined the rules colliding inside
his head. Still, his hands remained on his hips, so I launched
torpedo number two, “And I thought bubble gum was a more thoughtful
gift.” His eyes flared open, then narrowed, then he suddenly
laughed. “Yes, I suppose it was,” he conceded. “Merry
Christmas,” he said, reaching down to lift me, then deciding
instead to hold out his hand for a shake. I would have preferred the
hug, but was proud to receive the more adult shake.
I scanned the room,
thinking for a moment about the expressions on my brothers' faces,
upon their discovery of bubble gum successfully in their possession.
The moment was short, as I turned my attention to all the wonderful
stuff I got for Christmas. But the memory remained long, becoming one
of so many that decorate my tree.